The dark hole of transition

I have been a while posting another blog. I have been struggling with creative block. Ironically, that is exactly the thing I wanted to write about. To be content in yourself, you need, in any way or any form, to be creatively outputting, I wrote.  It doesn’t matter how or what you output, it’s the flow which counts.  That is what I began to blog about, it was 3 weeks ago now.

Then a few things went wrong in my life, I had unexpected household bills of over £1000. I had clients fail to pay me, people whom I trusted, cared about and have worked lovingly to support. I tried to forgive them but I felt betrayed. I started to feel very isolated and lonely. Although I fought it, my own light became deeply shadowed by sadness.  And I fell into the dark hole of transition.

I’ve moved out of my bedroom and created a bedsit for myself in my living room, in order to let out my bedroom out, to fund Intelligent Soul. Then came 2 weeks of trying to find a tenant – in itself a journey into human nature  – and I felt lost and dispossessed, curled up on the futon on my living room floor, surrounded by all the busyness of my days, whilst my peaceful sunny bedroom hovered above me, no longer mine, but also not homing anyone else.

It was only 2 weeks, less than that really, but I couldn’t see for darkness.  Literally, my eyes were painful and my vision distorted and I had to keep visiting the optician. I kept teaching and caring for my clients, but in between times things felt heavily overcast, like the weather. I knew I needed to creatively output  in order to unblock my light, but I couldn’t, I was bogged.

Yesterday I signed the rental agreement with my new lodger, a sweet natured young woman whom I feel very happy to open my house to.  I still can’t sleep properly on the futon, but here I am, back in my studio, happily playing with paint again and wishing to God I had found the discipline to do this earlier, to help myself through the darkness.  What’s the expression? ‘Healer, heal thyself’ –   Please, do as I say, not as I do!




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